Tag Archives: story

I Wish I Could Make An Autonomous Decision About Writing About Autism

I’m currently writing some copy for a website about sufferers of Autism and my God its boring.

Most of it has consisted of writing about various laws and acts that most people have never heard of, and to be quite frank, would never want to hear about.

We’re talking the kind of ‘Action Plan’ that the Government has sent out to local authorities to ensure that Autism sufferers in their area get the best possible care. I think we should just give Autism sufferers a free pass to local casinos so they can go Dustin Hoffman on their asses and count cards all day, that way they could earn as much money as they like and spend it on services they want.

Wait, did Dustin Hoffman have Autism in ‘Rainman’ or was it something similar yet still equally bleak?

Anyway, turns out that there is actually a scheme in play that allows people with Autism to spend their disability allowance in the way they deem fit. Its called the Direct Payment Scheme and it allows Autistic people to ‘trade’ the services offered by their local authority for hard cash that can be spent on what they want.

Now, I don’t want to be cynical, but I hope someone is regulating what these guys are spending their money on. I’d feel a tad aggrieved if I saw someone with Autism strolling out of Argos with an XBOX and a copy of ‘Black Ops’ under his arm.

Heracles – The Nicest, Strongest Man you Ever Did Meet

Heracles in battle with the legendary Golden Fleece

Heracles, or more commonly known – Hercules, was an immortal Greek hero born from the Greek God, Zeus, and a mortal woman who went by the name of Semele.

At a young age Heracles was making enemies. None more so than Queen of the Gods Hera who was also Heracles surrogate Mother for a very brief spell.

An initial altercation between Heracles and Hera occurred soon after the boys birth when Hera was breast-feeding Heracles and what seemed like a show of his already super-human strength, sank his gums into the poor God’s left nipple. She flung the infant from her burning nipple, spurting cosmic God milk into the universe creating what we have come to know as the Milky-Way (ahem).

Upon realising that Heracles was not part of the pantheon of God’s, she sent a wily band of snakes to strangle the tiny-tearaway in his crib. Heracles did what any future hero would do, turning the snakes into TY plush toys.

Hera imparted madness upon our Hero causing Heracles to commit all manner of dastardly acts and sins. In penance for this period of extreme rebellion and insanity, King Eurystheus (supported by the she-bitch Hera) tasked Heracles with 12 majorly difficult labours. Most of which included slaying an assortment of ravenous, mythical beasts and, erm, herding sheep.

Milo of Croton

The Interesting Case of The Man Who Became Lodged in a Tree

Milo of Croton was a Hero from the period of Greek Gods and Monsters. A man worshipped as a God by people who travelled the length and breadth of Greece to see these Man Mountains in the flesh.

Our man Milo was very much so something to be admired. Apparently standing at well over 6 foot, this beast of a man had been raised to carry a calve on his back every day of his life until the cow had developed into a fully grown bull.

Milo was known Country-wide for his astounding appetite. Apparently munching down the equivalent of a well-fed hog for dinner and chugging it down with 18 pints of wine.

Now, the really interesting thing about Milo is the manner in which he snuffed it. Walking home one fateful day, presumably after leaving another hog-carcass in his wake, Milo stumbled upon a half-destroyed tree and in an effort to exert his strength upon said tree, attempted to pull it clean out of the ground. Much to the amusement of the tree, his hand became wedged inside of the various clefts and splinters and with no way of getting out, he was devoured by a variety of snarling, rabid beasts.

Now, where on Earth did he leave that blunt pen-knife?

Always remember...'Go for the eyes!'